True and Fascinating Canadian History
Tales from Fort Healy
A Tale Of The Commissioner Who Had No Pants
by J. J. Healy
It has been my experience that there is no better way to learn about someone than to sit quietly and listen to what they say. It was once said that the most brilliant of people often boast the least, while others, more full of flour, tend to talk endlessly to the point that all the available air has been needlessly sucked out of the entire room.
Over the past fifty years, I have accumulated hundreds of tales about members of the Force. The stories were told by people who had learned the art of telling a story. I have reviewed my notebook from 1972, and here's one of my all time favourites -- "The Commissioner Who Had No Pants."
I am very pleased to credit an 'ole friend with this story -- he is now deceased, but he was a great storyteller and a great inspiration to me. His name was Chief Superintendent L. G. 'Lou' Pantry, formerly the CO 'J' Division. And, in another place, I'll tell you how he and I first met and about the very pretty Woodstock, New Brunswick girl turned nurse whom he married.
It just so happened, that around 1965 Mr. Pantry was a junior Inspector in Ottawa and he had been selected to accompany Commissioner George B. McClellan on a tour of the northern Divisions. And, as was the custom, Commissioner McClellan had invited his wife.
Prior to leaving Ottawa, the Commissioner had reviewed the outline of the tour, a list of officials he might meet, the who's who and so on. Most importantly, the Commissioner was aware that he would be the Special Guest at an RCMP Regimental Ball planned for Whitehorse. In addition to all ranks, everyone who was anybody would be present at the dinner-dance. Mrs McClellan had purchased a new dress prior to ADO (Air Division One) taking off from Ottawa for Edmonton, AB.
The tour of the Northland got underway. The Commissioner or simply 'George B.' as he was affectionately known, was determined to have a wonderful time. In short, he was relaxed. In truth, 'George B.' actually looked forward for any opportunity to 'be away with Ottawa' and he reasoned that the northern Detachments were about as far away as he could get from the phone. Given his confident personality, he may have also thought to himself, "why not allow my Deputy believe that he is the Acting Commissioner for a day or two?"
Commissioner George Brinton McClellan was a colourful sort. Commissioned to Inspector in the RCMP at about seven years service, he had a new degree from Kingston's Royal Military College (RMC) in his pocket and plenty of time to ponder the future.
There was a time in his early life, that he enjoyed a good cigar in one hand and a single malt Irish whiskey in the other. He lived in a very popular era, perhaps not too healthy a life style, but the way of life suited the Commissioner's confident personality. He was reputed to make snap and solid decisions even before he heard the entire question.
One will recall that the OC's and the CO's were men who, in the day, had been hand picked by Commissioner McClellan so when the Commissioner said that he wanted 'to tour the north', the phrase became code which translated into '...show the Commissioner how the men stick together in the north.' I can't put Commissioner McClellan's intentions any more clearly, however, the Force was small in those days and it was no secret that the Commissioner was known to enjoy, let's just say, the free spirits of life.
And so it came to pass that the Commissioner's tour was heralded as a huge success. The men of the north had not been bashful with the Commissioner -- there was no need to be. All ranks knew as well that, after the Commissioner had departed for Ottawa that everyone including the Detachment sled dogs would make good use of the ear muffs and muzzles they had been issued. That's just the way it was. That's exactly the way the men understood the tour. And more importantly, it's precisely the way the Commissioner wanted it.
The night of the Regimental Ball finally arrived in Whitehorse. It was a grand opportunity for Mrs McClellan to don her new dress. After the day's activities, Inspector Pantry ensured that Commissioner and Mrs McClellan were taken to their hotel suite in plenty of time to dress for the Ball. About fifteen minutes prior to the Commissioner's car arriving, Inspector Pantry received a frightening call from the Commissioner! His voice sounded desperate! He was!
Meanwhile, Mrs McClellan could be heard over the phone yelling, 'George, George what must we do? 'George, what must we do?' 'George, I can't go it alone!'
Inspector Pantry's immediate impulse was to call an ambulance. He thought, "perhaps the Commissioner had suffered a heart attack? Perhaps the lights had blown a fuse? Maybe Mrs McLellan suffered a tooth ache?"
Come to find out, it was none of those -- the Commissioner had forgotten his pants -- he had no Banana Pants for his Officer's Mess Kit!
Inspector Pantry immediately summed up the problem but he was extremely reluctant to let the Commissioner know what he was thinking. You see, Commissioner McClellan was a wee stout around the midsection...but wait, to compound the dilemma, what Inspector in the world is brave enough to tackle that one, mused Inspector Pantry?
Faster than teenagers texting, Inspector Pantry put a call out to the entire Division "...who's got a pair of Banana Pants with a waist band suitable to fit the Commissioner?"
As luck would have it, Corporal Cooper had declined his invitation to the Ball and he admitted to Inspector Pantry that his waist size was in full form so to speak. Inspector Pantry dispatched a Duty Driver to fetch the Corporal's pants and they were delivered pronto to the Commissioner.
Few guests, if anyone was any the wiser. The Commissioner and Mrs McClellan made a grand entrance to the Regimental Ball right on time. The Commissioner wore the Corporal's pants and Mrs McClellan made a splash in her new dress!
The following day, Inspector Pantry made arrangements to meet the Corporal's wife at the Detachment and return her husband's pants. Upon his arrival at the office, the wife of Corporal Cooper was overheard to say to friends time after time, "Well, my husband is only a Corporal and that's just fine, but you know, his pants went right to the top!"
The end.
Reporting from Fort Healy,
J. J. Healy
